People Who Are Better Than You: Vol. 1

Recently, I overheard a conversation in the bookstore.

Person A: "Did you see The Colbert Report Christms Special?"

Person B: "No, I didn't. Was it good?"

A: "Yeah. Toby Keith was in it. I bet they replay it."

B: "Toby Keith." *groan*

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I've spent some time thinking about that groan. Despite what the groaner might tell you, it's not born out of a disdain for today's brand of country music, or more specifically Toby Keith's brand of country music. Record sales indicate, at least as far as the market is concerned, TK's brand is the best brand. To further the point, I have never observed the names of Gary Allen or Blake Shelton generating that kind of reaction. I believe my colleague Rick was one of the first to ever heap criticism on Lee Greenwood (if anyone knows where Rick is, please pass along that information). No no, the Toby Keith groan is personal. It's not disdain for his music, or at least not for his music alone. The groan is for the man himself. For some people, Toby Keith represents the worst of America. But are they right?

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Butch once said my chief problem is that I can't decide whether or not I am a country born, gun owning, Ford Truck Man, or a guy who lives in a trendy urban area, drinks mocha lattes, and has a fancy lap dog. While I think of the duality as a strength, he's probably right. It's that inner struggle for identity that drives most of my decision making.

Well, when I heard that conversation, the Ford Truck Man won the inner battle. I've got news for you people out there who groan when you hear Toby Keith's name.

TOBY KEITH IS BETTER THAN YOU!

Here are just a few of the many reasons why.

1. Because putting a boot up your ass really is the American way.

Actually, here are the pertinent lyrics to that now infamous song.

Justice will be served

And the battle will rage

This big dog will fight

When you rattle his cage

And youll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A.

Cause well put a boot in your ass
Its the American way

When you attack Americans, there will be repercussions. And just because you're a peace loving non-contributing hippie who thinks the American way is something out of John Lennon's imagination, it doesn't make that cause and effect scenario any less true.

Oh, and *the song* that people hate Toby so much for - the song that he plays for the troops serving your right to be a Toby Keith hating jackass - he wrote that in 2001, in honor of his recently passed veteran father and the men and women impacted in the aftermath of 9/11. He had no intention for that song to be played on the radio. He only changed his mind after a Marine Corps Commandant told him it was his patriotic duty as an American citizen to serve his country and boost troop morale by releasing the song.

It's hard to find a frame of comparison for that sort of thing. I have never been told by a Marine Corps Commandant to serve my country by expanding upon the work I was already doing. That might be like God telling me to step up my antichrist searching efforts. And I can't say whether TK got the job done or not. But I once saw a veteran sing that song and bring grown men to their feet, shaking their fists.

2. Toby Keith spends more of his time giving to charity than you've ever thought about.

Ally's House is one charity Mr. Keith sponsors. You can learn more about it following the link than I can tell you about.

In addition, Toby Keith has played at least 6 USO tours, taking some effort to play even smaller and harder to reach bases. He founded the "USO to Go" program. And he's come under mortar fire. When was the last time you came under mortar fire giving to charity? Do you go back to give some more? When was the last time you dodged a rough looking homeless person sleeping on the sidewalk?

3. Toby Keith was a professional athlete.

After graduation, Toby was a rufnek - which might be the manliest job there is. When the oil boom of the early 80's ended, a couple years after his last high school football game, Toby Keith went and played semi-professional football to play the bills. Seriously. Stop and think about that.

I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was.

He doesn't just sing it, he lives it!

4. Toby Keith is a movie star.

Call him a "Straight to CMT" movie star if you want, but chances are, if any of you are featured on YouTube, you're more likely to have a video of the Chris Crocker persuasion. And however much I might agree with Mr. Crocker's viewpoint (seriously, leave her alone), I would rather be on the Toby Keith side on that one.

5. I love Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar & Grill"

In fact, I ate there tonight. And for corporate sponsorship, Mr. Keith, I will eat there every night. His bar and grill serves the best chips and queso in Oklahoma City. And while I choose to try out the Fried Balogna Sandwich more often than not, I hear the rest of the menu is great as well.

Toby Keith is a great American. Heck, he's just a good human being. So while I might not always love every song he sings or some of his fashion choices (see below), and while I definitely don't agree with every political position he takes (he's a yellow dog Democrat - almost as rare as a Northeastern Republican), you'll never hear me groan when his name is mentioned.

Here's a picture of a man who is better than you.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus - Now let's push this worker out of the way so we can go tell him exactly what to bring us for Christmas

I'm going to bring it down a notch here fellas, and I'm talking to you America.

Halfway through a post combining the various threads of economic crisis, Ted Haggard, male prostitution, truckstops, OKC megachurch pastors, and methamphetamine, I felt a compulsion, or a conviction as they say in these God-fearing parts, to write on something a bit less personal. Like many, I was disturbed by the news reports last week of the senseless violence, irrational fighting between normally peaceful groups, and accounts of innocent citizens and tourists fearing for their lives in public places ordinarily reserved for commerce and capitalism. A commentary on the terrorist attacks in Mumbai, perhaps? I wish it was something so pertinent. Instead, I'm sitting here thinking about the most contrived, unnecessary, and blatantly manufactured of all modern American events – “Black Friday.”

A seasonal worker at a Wal-Mart in Long Island, New York was killed when an overly aggressive crowd of early morning shoppers trampled him, one can assume, in order to save an additional $50.00 on a soon-irrelevant Blue Ray, $20.00 on an always-relevant crock pot, and $2.50 on an eternally-licentious Hannah Montana poster. This wasn't 60,000 ticket-holding soccer hooligans trying to get into a stadium designed to hold 40,000 people. This was a few hundred soccer moms and dads standing in line since 2am because advertisements, websites, and news reports had been whipping their consumer minds into a frenzy for weeks prior to that night. And lest we think that this only happens among rude New Yorkers, a friend of mine said that two women were escorted out of the Norman, Oklahoma Wal-Mart when fisticuffs erupted over quilts, linens, or something of that nature in the bedding aisles (when will these women learn, you fight over things that matter: perceived insults, verbal disagreements over meatloaf, and who’s too drunk to drive). Ordinarily, I like to leave the declensionist jeremiads to Ol' Grumpy Bastard-in-Chief, Butch Bagwell, but last Friday's news was proof once again that while Man in the state of nature might very well be free, Man in modern America is a mindless, selfish, and inconsiderate douche bag. And as melodramatic as microcosms tend to be, I think this incident serves to remind us of where this country’s passions, values, and problems lie.

We are first and foremost a consumer nation. Faith, politics, and patriotism are all subject to the consumer impulse and the guidance of marketing. The fastest growing Christian churches model themselves around the latest sales-oriented corporate models and “sell” a Christianity that is a synthesis of Biblical principles, self-help-Alpha-male mantras, and brand identity. Detroit is reaping the benefits from years of influencing politicians to bend regulations on SUVs in order to compensate for lost market shares to more fuel efficient foreign cars. The Cold War was a triumph of capitalism and consumerism over communism, and we celebrated by spending. For the last 20 years, the upwardly mobile American middle class displayed its accomplishment, wealth, and love of country by buying Japanese sedans and SUVs; in turn, the upper class (and overly-ambitious lower middle) sought the German and British variety. Even though America's unique penchant for consumerism dates to the early 20th Centuty, the last 15 years witnessed an unprecedented explosion of conspicuous consumption - you've got the credit cards to prove it.

I believe the low point of this trend came with the repackaging and re-marketing of a day that already had a title, a purpose, and marketability. Back when I was a kid in the 1980s, it was called the day after Thanksgiving, and people always went shopping. It didn't need a catchy name, advertising "leaks," or Euler circuits describing the quickest way to get from the Best Buy to the Wal-Mart to The Container Store (Side note: a f***ing Container Store? Way too reminiscent of "Spatula City" from the always enjoyable film UHF).

The first time I heard the term “Black Friday” was 2006 and it came from a particularly unimpressive coworker whose only joy in life came from buying. I honestly thought he or she made it up. Little did I know that, seeing an opportunity to dupe people like my coworker, marketers took a negligible term and twisted it into an ominous sounding land run of potential consumer winners and losers – thereby tapping into another key component of the American psyche, the need to be first.

Quick review of our recipe:
1 part rampant consumer culture
2 parts aggressive marketing
½ part hyper-competitive culture
¼ part disposable goods
- Something’s missing. Much like the formula on Heroes, we need a catalyst of some sort… ah yes!

I blame the people who decide to open stores extra early. This decision simply goes against long-standing good advice. Whether you’re hitting the night clubs with Plaxico Burress, the strip clubs with Pacman Jones, or waiting outside the doors of JC Penny’s with your Aunt Judy, your chances of being involved in a violent act increases by 500% between midnight and 5am. And we’re not talking about people who have been up all night having a good time. We’re talking about people who crawled out of bed hours before they’re used to doing so, and expecting to get something out of their efforts. It’s amazing that more people haven’t been hurt or killed. Try waking up Butch or Dusty at 3am and you're most likely going to wind up shot by one of their "Constitutionally protected" semi-automatic assault rifles - you can wake up Max too, but he'll be too drunk to care. I sincerely hope that corporations move the store openings back to a more reasonable 8am, but I know they won't.

A man is dead because of Holiday marketing, hype, and stupidity. It’s Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa season (or the secular Holiday season, if you prefer), maybe this unfortunate accident on an unnecessarily-named occasion shifts some people’s perspective away from the rabid consumerism that Charles Schultz nailed when he wrote Sally saying, "All I want is what I... I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share," in A Charlie Brown Christmas. This was meant to read as more of a condemnation of consumer culture than a monologue on the meaning of Christmas - since I'm sure Max would agree that Christmas's meaning can be just as arbitrary as an Angel's earthy purpose. So I don’t care if you believe in Jesus or not (or Jesus the Angel of Salsa for that matter), but let’s try to remember the “Peace on Earth” and “Goodwill to Men” parts when walking alongside people who have been supplying the demands of holiday shoppers for 10-hour days. Or failing that, at least watch the last 15 minutes of the Bill Murray semi-classic “Scrooged,” a nice reminder that Bobcat Goldthwait - when motivated by the Christmas spirit - was one of our finest actors.

Max: On Angels

Tequila Tuesday painfully rolled over into Washed Out Wednesday. Yeah, I drink every day of the week. Got a problem? Wanna fight about it?

As my foggy head rested against my usual porcelain pillow and my eyes started to twitch into an alcohol-coma, I was rudely brought to consciousness by a loud, chesty snort. My head instantly cleared as I turned around, and standing over me was a Latin-skinned Angel. Water dripped from his dirty wings.

“Did you fall into the sink?”

“No, the river.”

I noticed a little white powder smeared on his fingers and wisped through his thin black moustache.

I had no idea what wrong I had committed to have an Angel sent to me.

“I’m here to discuss your cultural intolerance.”

“The one I tolerate the most.”

He found no humor in my statement and fell right into a lecture on the benefits of diversity, the economic resurgence of the Peso, and the strong correlation between import/export and immigration.

“Well, then the sex trade is the best of both worlds.”

Again, he failed to recognize my wit.

“Forced immigration was the best immigration?”

He frowned; I shrugged.

He wasn’t impressed with my broad perspective and forward thinking.

“What did you have to eat yesterday?” Spaghetti.

“The day before?” Bratwurst.

“Before?” General Tso’s Chicken.

His point was begrudgingly taken.

Slowly, he bent forward and softly touched my head with his coarse, hard labor fingers. I turned just in time to spill my new knowledge into the melting pot.

I rolled back around with the bitter taste of realization clinging to my tongue. He smiled.

“What should I call you?”

“Jesus.”

“Lord?”

“Jesus? No. I’m Jesus, the Angel of Salsa.”

When the hangover wore off I reported my Hispanic neighbors to La Migra. It turns out that they were actually Muslims from Iraq. Hey, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

I have since passed on the name and description of Jesus, the Angel of Salsa to Dusty, so he can add him to the “possible” Anti-Christ list.

A Thanksgiving Miracle

We finally have the spam block removed. When Rick told Max Vega, this is what transpired:




Happy Thanksgiving.

Myths and Legends: Vampires

This weekend, I had the opportunity to watch Twilight, the latest vampire themed contribution to pop culture. While the movie, and the books from which it was based, is an illustration of the values of abstinence and "courtship" in dating, the use of vampires as subject matter serves an equally important function. In a world where we are told to be afraid of diseases, foreigners, lack of universal health care, and the BCS, we are constantly bombarded with pressure to spend an ever increasing amount of money to protect ourselves from some perceived harm. Watching television for a few minutes can leave one with no shortage of fears and concerns.

Twilight brings us back to reality. It correctly identifies life's real threat - vampires. They are real, they are out there, and many of them want to drink our blood.

Wikipedia tells us that vampire legends date back as far as recorded human history, in almost all human cultures. In most cases, vampires are revenants of evil beings, suicide victims, or witches, but they can also be created by a malevolent spirit possessing a corpse or by being bitten by a vampire.

Occasionally, Mormons become vampires. This is the basis for the pacifist vegetarian "Cullen" vampires in the Twilight books. Don't let the romance of a vampire who feeds only on animals fool you, though. These vampires are atypical. In most cases, if your teenage daughter encounters a vampire in biology class, he will not "court" her. He will either engage in sexual congress with her and kill her, or he will engage in sexual congress with her and turn her into a vampire. So it is important to be prepared.


How do I defend my family, property, and self from a vampire attack?

Unfortunately, if you become the target of a vampire, there is not much you can do. Vampires sit at the very top of the predatory food chain.

It is rumored that vampires are loathe to enter a church. If you are unable to live on consecrated ground (I always live within 100 meters of a church), then I suggest having a priest, or whoever your choice of holy man is, come to bless your house. Keeping garlic in your window sills has proven effective at my house. And before I moved in, I also sprinkled mustard seeds on my roof. I doubt any of this would be effective in stopping a motivated vampire attack, but these measures should provide a level of deterrance.

Famous Vampires

Vampires are often sports enthusiasts. You can find many of them in positions of ownership.

Al Davis

Notable for wearing black and sucking the life out of Raider Nation.

Jerry Jones

Surrounds himself with questionable characters who would not be missed if he ever needs to feed.

Vampires are also known to be purveyors of popular culture. They are identifiable as figures who remain around for a long period of time, almost inexplicably. In some cases, they don't seem to age.

Dick Clark

The Ageless One. It is believed by some that Mr. Clark is well over 2,000 years old, and worked for Caligula during the Roman Empire. During periods in which he works openly, the culture in which he lives typically experiences a sudden moral decline amongst its youth.

Tom Cruise

The most important vampire alive. He is the face of Hollywood's Church of Scientology. What most people don't know is that Scientologists are actually vampires. The "religion" works as the perfect cover for the Hollywood vampires and their covert activities.

Speaking of religion: Many vampires hide their powers under the veil of religion.

Joel Osteen

Not one to be outdone, Joel Osteen is a leading vampire evangelist. He is believed to be about 700 years old. Despite his age and his public position, he has been unwilling or unable to shake a hairstyle common in his original 13th century Balkan home. He has had only limited success conveying an accurate Texas accent.

Conclusions:

Making an exhaustive list of vampires would be... exhausting. But hopefully, by using this information, you will be able to identify and deter a vampire before he or she identifies you as his next meal.

But if you feel like the problem is too big for you to solve on your own, I freelance in vampire home protection. For a monthly fee, I will protect your home from vampire attack.

After all, you can't put a price on protecting your tweenage daughter's chastity.

Max: On Souls

Recently, in an unfriendly religious discussion—topic: abortion; but is there any more religious topic than infant murder? I think not, I’ve read about the plagues of Egypt and the sacrifice of Isaac—I was asked whether or not I believe if I have a soul. My answer was a resounding, yes. My counter-question was, “Do animals have souls?” Not surprisingly, the answer was, absolutely not. It’s no secret that evangelicals beat their pets more than Catholics and atheists combined. I have that statistic lying around here somewhere.

This discussion made me wonder if all humans have souls. My conclusion is, no. Children with the inability to deny God don’t have souls…

…and midgets don’t have souls.

Don’t let the moniker “Little People” blind you to reality. Real people are the only ones with souls, and to quote Butch: “that ain’t no people.”

J. R. R. Tolkien knew that anyone under four and half feet was not human; he called them Hobbits. L. Frank Baum’s political satire The Wizard of Oz segregates these soulless animals to Munchkinland. Do I even need to mention Oompa Loompas? I don’t see souls in those pseudo-humanoids. Agent Orange, there on the left, wants to dip your child in chocolate, roll him to the back room and eat his brain. Scary.

I think George W. Bush was correct when he said, “If it looks like a lame duck, and quacks like a lame duck, it’s a lame duck.” “Butch?” “That ain’t no duck!”

P. T. Barnum, the father of the rollercoaster, intentionally gave us an unsuspecting way to check whether or not someone has a soul. “You have to be this tall to ride this souls-only ride.”

Don’t get me wrong. I think that there’s a place for everything. I just want to put everything in its place.

Leonardo da Vinci said that “form follows function.” With the insight of da Vinci, we need to take that soulless midget form and put it to its real function: party roving sombrero salsa platter.

But that’s just my two chips.

Going Green

In case you haven't watched TV in the last year or so, NBC has decided to exclusively target the Liberal Arts College/Independent Coffee Shop Goer demographic. This has now spilled over into its coverage of sports. As I watched NBC's Football Night in America pregame show tonight, I was inundated with a "Green is Universal" message that included a confessional time with all six hosts of the pre-game show. So, very uncomfortably, everyone lied... or at least I will assume they did. Among other things, we learned that Jerome 'the Bus' Bettis has gone green by washing his clothes with cold water. Chris Collinsworth walks to work. And Tiki Barber takes mass transit. Keith Olbermann, under the direction of his girlfriend (apparently he felt it important to tell America he has a girlfriend), now uses a water filter instead of drinking bottled water. And Dan Patrick has been driving a hybrid for the last four years.

Bob Costas, the only member of this group with self-respect, "has been going to more Jets and Celtics games."

Here's another green idea for NBC. Why doesn't the DNC Broadcast Network try limiting its Pre-Game Show, on-air talent, to under SIX people. Really, do Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann bring an audience? Are there people out there waxing nostalgic about SportsCenter circa 1997? We all know Charlie Steiner was the only SportsCenter host, from back in the day, with any talent.

One thing NBC did get right is Faith Hill's singing the pre-game intro.

*pause for admiration*

All the "Green is Universal" talk inspired me to think of ways that the Four Camels at Sea can reduce its carbon footprint. We are a team of mavericks, so surely we can help.

Here is what I came up with:

1. You can sponsor our blog financially. If we were being paid to blog about what is on TV from the comfort of our home, then we would not be driving to work. And if we were not driving to work, then we would be not using our country's precious natural resources.

2. Recycle the dark-alley dwelling drifters and pimps with whom Max Vega passionately disagrees.

3. Provide a carpool service for Butch. At his age, he shouldn't be driving to AARP and GOP sponsored 'Suppress the Vote' rallies by himself, anyway.

4. Rick is the Keith Olbermann of this group. So we are probably best able to impact his Green Choices by consulting his significant other. Good luck with that water filter, Rick.

5. In my case, I will celebrate Green Week by only dating girls with green eyes this week. Please submit your inquiries with pictures attached (electronically, to save paper.)

Fight the Real Enemy

First, I apologize to everyone (including the one outsider who commented on Dusty’s piece – we have a reader!) for being the last member of this intellectual Jonestown to post. I can only hope my contributions will be of similar quality as those of my fellow bloggers: an AntiChrist conspiracy theorist, an article-wielding contrarian, and a grumpy white guy who wants to restrict the limits of participatory democracy (and expand the right to beat his own slaves).

Along with my colleagues, I believe the United States is the greatest nation on earth. But unlike my colleagues, I view the U.S.A.’s greatness the same way I view the prominence of Notre Dame's college football program: a rich history, a proud tradition, undeniable success, and maybe an outdated philosophy on the importance of white people.

Speaking of white people, in the midst of all this millenialist-minded Christian ranting about President-elect Obama ushering in the end of the world (a prospect, you think, would make them happy - and a myth thankfully deconstructed by my colleague), I can't help but express my utter disappointment in the American people for failing to see the real mastermind behind America's foreign policy. He's been to your State Fair, he's played your 4th of July celebrations, he's performed at your church, he's sold you a timeshare in Branson, MO, and he's been behind every major American military campaign for the last 20 years. For years he's used Reagan's ideologies of American optimism and Divine mission to profit off of American patriotism and naivety. I've stared into the face of evil - and he stared back at me, wearing a Stars-and-Stripes leather jacket, singing "God Bless the U.S.A."

I suspect Lee Greenwood has masterminded every major American military campaign since the first Gulf War. No single person or organization stands to profit from American military action, patriotism, public rallies, and Wal-Mart royalties more than Lee Greenwood. Most of the New York Times columnists (you the man, Paul Krugman) might target someone like Toby Keith as the profiteer of American jingoism. But the truth is Toby sells records, makes straight-to-CMT movies (a new genre, I believe), and slings the best cheese dip in OKC regardless of the average American's fear of attack or giddy support for invading a nation. The same is true for the Bush family or Dick Cheney. We need to stop focusing on the rich and powerful, and start looking at those who can only attain riches and power if God-fearing people become foreigner-fearing people. As the comparison below clearly shows, if America isn't at war, Lee Greenwood simply doesn't eat:

Average annual income/revenue, 09/12/2001-2007:

Dick Chaney: $8.80 million
Halliburton: $3.5 Billion
Exxon: $40 Billion
Royal House of Saud: $38 Billion
Lee Greenwood $3 Million

Average annual income/revenue, 1998-2001:
Dick Chaney: $2.4 million
Halliburton: $1.7 billion
Exxon: $8.8 billion
Royal House of Saud: $29 billion
Lee Greenwood: $125.17

The good news for this country is that the President Elect is not a big fan of Mr. Greenwood. The bad news is that Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.I.am has already made a side career as an activist and (gulp) analyst on CNN in support of Barack Obama. We can only hope these two bastions of rhythm-based misinformation destroy each other and never, never join forces.

Introduction to Max Vega

An introduction seems most appropriate.

I have a compulsive tendency to passionately disagree. I’m not necessarily a skeptic, but I prefer to err on the side that you’re wrong. The benefit to me is that I know I’m this way, so I don’t take disagreements personally; but I want you to think differently when I bare my crooked teeth and snarl in your face.

I don’t play Devil’s Advocate: I’m against role-playing, categories, and advocacy. Don’t consider that an exhaustive list.

It is my goal to provide you, the reader, with the thought less explored, the idea better left unmentioned. I intend to create paradigm waves.

It has been my pleasure to introduce you to the Max Vega. Enjoy.

In Search of the AntiChrist

Let's be Clear. It's not Barack.

As a self-appointed AntiChrist hunter, I spend countless hours on Google and YouTube trying desperately to pick up his or her trail. If you are young, charismatic, and successful: I'm watching you.

There are a variety of criterion and mathematical formulas for deciphering the identity of the Son of Perdition. Scrawled on my wall. Some of which I may scrawl here another time.

But one thing I can assure everyone. The new American President-Elect, Barack Obama, is not the Dragon of Revelation, despite how much some people might want to believe otherwise.

How do I know? Joe Biden.

Barack Obama choosing Joe Biden as a running mate was on par with Lex Luthor picking Otis as his partner in crime. The guy is a total buffoon. My limited understanding of the Left Behind series is that Nicolae Carpathia picks a pretty sinister side-kick, and not a guy who is known for hair plugs and plagiarism. Another mark against Obama - I don't think Satan would have been ok with the Dark Lord's "landslide" victory falling well behind that of Ronaldus Magnus.

Incidentally, this is the inaugural posting of Four Camels at Sea, a group of four men from various walks of life, offering our insight, wisdom, and paranoia on all things political, theological, and sportical. And I will always be here in staunch opposition to the AntiChrist.