Myths and Legends: Vampires

This weekend, I had the opportunity to watch Twilight, the latest vampire themed contribution to pop culture. While the movie, and the books from which it was based, is an illustration of the values of abstinence and "courtship" in dating, the use of vampires as subject matter serves an equally important function. In a world where we are told to be afraid of diseases, foreigners, lack of universal health care, and the BCS, we are constantly bombarded with pressure to spend an ever increasing amount of money to protect ourselves from some perceived harm. Watching television for a few minutes can leave one with no shortage of fears and concerns.

Twilight brings us back to reality. It correctly identifies life's real threat - vampires. They are real, they are out there, and many of them want to drink our blood.

Wikipedia tells us that vampire legends date back as far as recorded human history, in almost all human cultures. In most cases, vampires are revenants of evil beings, suicide victims, or witches, but they can also be created by a malevolent spirit possessing a corpse or by being bitten by a vampire.

Occasionally, Mormons become vampires. This is the basis for the pacifist vegetarian "Cullen" vampires in the Twilight books. Don't let the romance of a vampire who feeds only on animals fool you, though. These vampires are atypical. In most cases, if your teenage daughter encounters a vampire in biology class, he will not "court" her. He will either engage in sexual congress with her and kill her, or he will engage in sexual congress with her and turn her into a vampire. So it is important to be prepared.


How do I defend my family, property, and self from a vampire attack?

Unfortunately, if you become the target of a vampire, there is not much you can do. Vampires sit at the very top of the predatory food chain.

It is rumored that vampires are loathe to enter a church. If you are unable to live on consecrated ground (I always live within 100 meters of a church), then I suggest having a priest, or whoever your choice of holy man is, come to bless your house. Keeping garlic in your window sills has proven effective at my house. And before I moved in, I also sprinkled mustard seeds on my roof. I doubt any of this would be effective in stopping a motivated vampire attack, but these measures should provide a level of deterrance.

Famous Vampires

Vampires are often sports enthusiasts. You can find many of them in positions of ownership.

Al Davis

Notable for wearing black and sucking the life out of Raider Nation.

Jerry Jones

Surrounds himself with questionable characters who would not be missed if he ever needs to feed.

Vampires are also known to be purveyors of popular culture. They are identifiable as figures who remain around for a long period of time, almost inexplicably. In some cases, they don't seem to age.

Dick Clark

The Ageless One. It is believed by some that Mr. Clark is well over 2,000 years old, and worked for Caligula during the Roman Empire. During periods in which he works openly, the culture in which he lives typically experiences a sudden moral decline amongst its youth.

Tom Cruise

The most important vampire alive. He is the face of Hollywood's Church of Scientology. What most people don't know is that Scientologists are actually vampires. The "religion" works as the perfect cover for the Hollywood vampires and their covert activities.

Speaking of religion: Many vampires hide their powers under the veil of religion.

Joel Osteen

Not one to be outdone, Joel Osteen is a leading vampire evangelist. He is believed to be about 700 years old. Despite his age and his public position, he has been unwilling or unable to shake a hairstyle common in his original 13th century Balkan home. He has had only limited success conveying an accurate Texas accent.

Conclusions:

Making an exhaustive list of vampires would be... exhausting. But hopefully, by using this information, you will be able to identify and deter a vampire before he or she identifies you as his next meal.

But if you feel like the problem is too big for you to solve on your own, I freelance in vampire home protection. For a monthly fee, I will protect your home from vampire attack.

After all, you can't put a price on protecting your tweenage daughter's chastity.