We finally have the spam block removed. When Rick told Max Vega, this is what transpired:
Happy Thanksgiving.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Myths and Legends: Vampires
This weekend, I had the opportunity to watch Twilight, the latest vampire themed contribution to pop culture. While the movie, and the books from which it was based, is an illustration of the values of abstinence and "courtship" in dating, the use of vampires as subject matter serves an equally important function. In a world where we are told to be afraid of diseases, foreigners, lack of universal health care, and the BCS, we are constantly bombarded with pressure to spend an ever increasing amount of money to protect ourselves from some perceived harm. Watching television for a few minutes can leave one with no shortage of fears and concerns.
Twilight brings us back to reality. It correctly identifies life's real threat - vampires. They are real, they are out there, and many of them want to drink our blood.
Wikipedia tells us that vampire legends date back as far as recorded human history, in almost all human cultures. In most cases, vampires are revenants of evil beings, suicide victims, or witches, but they can also be created by a malevolent spirit possessing a corpse or by being bitten by a vampire.
Wikipedia tells us that vampire legends date back as far as recorded human history, in almost all human cultures. In most cases, vampires are revenants of evil beings, suicide victims, or witches, but they can also be created by a malevolent spirit possessing a corpse or by being bitten by a vampire.
Occasionally, Mormons become vampires. This is the basis for the pacifist vegetarian "Cullen" vampires in the Twilight books. Don't let the romance of a vampire who feeds only on animals fool you, though. These vampires are atypical. In most cases, if your teenage daughter encounters a vampire in biology class, he will not "court" her. He will either engage in sexual congress with her and kill her, or he will engage in sexual congress with her and turn her into a vampire. So it is important to be prepared.
How do I defend my family, property, and self from a vampire attack?
Unfortunately, if you become the target of a vampire, there is not much you can do. Vampires sit at the very top of the predatory food chain.
How do I defend my family, property, and self from a vampire attack?
Unfortunately, if you become the target of a vampire, there is not much you can do. Vampires sit at the very top of the predatory food chain.
It is rumored that vampires are loathe to enter a church. If you are unable to live on consecrated ground (I always live within 100 meters of a church), then I suggest having a priest, or whoever your choice of holy man is, come to bless your house. Keeping garlic in your window sills has proven effective at my house. And before I moved in, I also sprinkled mustard seeds on my roof. I doubt any of this would be effective in stopping a motivated vampire attack, but these measures should provide a level of deterrance.
Famous Vampires
Vampires are often sports enthusiasts. You can find many of them in positions of ownership.
Al Davis
Notable for wearing black and sucking the life out of Raider Nation.
Jerry Jones
Surrounds himself with questionable characters who would not be missed if he ever needs to feed.
Vampires are also known to be purveyors of popular culture. They are identifiable as figures who remain around for a long period of time, almost inexplicably. In some cases, they don't seem to age.
Dick Clark
The Ageless One. It is believed by some that Mr. Clark is well over 2,000 years old, and worked for Caligula during the Roman Empire. During periods in which he works openly, the culture in which he lives typically experiences a sudden moral decline amongst its youth.
Tom Cruise
The most important vampire alive. He is the face of Hollywood's Church of Scientology. What most people don't know is that Scientologists are actually vampires. The "religion" works as the perfect cover for the Hollywood vampires and their covert activities.
Speaking of religion: Many vampires hide their powers under the veil of religion.
Joel Osteen
Not one to be outdone, Joel Osteen is a leading vampire evangelist. He is believed to be about 700 years old. Despite his age and his public position, he has been unwilling or unable to shake a hairstyle common in his original 13th century Balkan home. He has had only limited success conveying an accurate Texas accent.
Conclusions:
Making an exhaustive list of vampires would be... exhausting. But hopefully, by using this information, you will be able to identify and deter a vampire before he or she identifies you as his next meal.
But if you feel like the problem is too big for you to solve on your own, I freelance in vampire home protection. For a monthly fee, I will protect your home from vampire attack.
After all, you can't put a price on protecting your tweenage daughter's chastity.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Max: On Souls
Recently, in an unfriendly religious discussion—topic: abortion; but is there any more religious topic than infant murder? I think not, I’ve read about the plagues of Egypt and the sacrifice of Isaac—I was asked whether or not I believe if I have a soul. My answer was a resounding, yes. My counter-question was, “Do animals have souls?” Not surprisingly, the answer was, absolutely not. It’s no secret that evangelicals beat their pets more than Catholics and atheists combined. I have that statistic lying around here somewhere.
This discussion made me wonder if all humans have souls. My conclusion is, no. Children with the inability to deny God don’t have souls…
…and midgets don’t have souls.
Don’t let the moniker “Little People” blind you to reality. Real people are the only ones with souls, and to quote Butch: “that ain’t no people.”
J. R. R. Tolkien knew that anyone under four and half feet was not human; he called them Hobbits. L. Frank Baum’s political satire The Wizard of Oz segregates these soulless animals to Munchkinland. Do I even need to mention Oompa Loompas? I don’t see souls in those pseudo-humanoids. Agent Orange, there on the left, wants to dip your child in chocolate, roll him to the back room and eat his brain. Scary.
I think George W. Bush was correct when he said, “If it looks like a lame duck, and quacks like a lame duck, it’s a lame duck.” “Butch?” “That ain’t no duck!”
P. T. Barnum, the father of the rollercoaster, intentionally gave us an unsuspecting way to check whether or not someone has a soul. “You have to be this tall to ride this souls-only ride.”
Don’t get me wrong. I think that there’s a place for everything. I just want to put everything in its place.
Leonardo da Vinci said that “form follows function.” With the insight of da Vinci, we need to take that soulless midget form and put it to its real function: party roving sombrero salsa platter.
But that’s just my two chips.
This discussion made me wonder if all humans have souls. My conclusion is, no. Children with the inability to deny God don’t have souls…
…and midgets don’t have souls.
Don’t let the moniker “Little People” blind you to reality. Real people are the only ones with souls, and to quote Butch: “that ain’t no people.”
J. R. R. Tolkien knew that anyone under four and half feet was not human; he called them Hobbits. L. Frank Baum’s political satire The Wizard of Oz segregates these soulless animals to Munchkinland. Do I even need to mention Oompa Loompas? I don’t see souls in those pseudo-humanoids. Agent Orange, there on the left, wants to dip your child in chocolate, roll him to the back room and eat his brain. Scary.
I think George W. Bush was correct when he said, “If it looks like a lame duck, and quacks like a lame duck, it’s a lame duck.” “Butch?” “That ain’t no duck!”
P. T. Barnum, the father of the rollercoaster, intentionally gave us an unsuspecting way to check whether or not someone has a soul. “You have to be this tall to ride this souls-only ride.”
Don’t get me wrong. I think that there’s a place for everything. I just want to put everything in its place.
Leonardo da Vinci said that “form follows function.” With the insight of da Vinci, we need to take that soulless midget form and put it to its real function: party roving sombrero salsa platter.
But that’s just my two chips.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Going Green
In case you haven't watched TV in the last year or so, NBC has decided to exclusively target the Liberal Arts College/Independent Coffee Shop Goer demographic. This has now spilled over into its coverage of sports. As I watched NBC's Football Night in America pregame show tonight, I was inundated with a "Green is Universal" message that included a confessional time with all six hosts of the pre-game show. So, very uncomfortably, everyone lied... or at least I will assume they did. Among other things, we learned that Jerome 'the Bus' Bettis has gone green by washing his clothes with cold water. Chris Collinsworth walks to work. And Tiki Barber takes mass transit. Keith Olbermann, under the direction of his girlfriend (apparently he felt it important to tell America he has a girlfriend), now uses a water filter instead of drinking bottled water. And Dan Patrick has been driving a hybrid for the last four years.
Bob Costas, the only member of this group with self-respect, "has been going to more Jets and Celtics games."
Here's another green idea for NBC. Why doesn't the DNC Broadcast Network try limiting its Pre-Game Show, on-air talent, to under SIX people. Really, do Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann bring an audience? Are there people out there waxing nostalgic about SportsCenter circa 1997? We all know Charlie Steiner was the only SportsCenter host, from back in the day, with any talent.
One thing NBC did get right is Faith Hill's singing the pre-game intro.
*pause for admiration*
All the "Green is Universal" talk inspired me to think of ways that the Four Camels at Sea can reduce its carbon footprint. We are a team of mavericks, so surely we can help.
Here is what I came up with:
1. You can sponsor our blog financially. If we were being paid to blog about what is on TV from the comfort of our home, then we would not be driving to work. And if we were not driving to work, then we would be not using our country's precious natural resources.
2. Recycle the dark-alley dwelling drifters and pimps with whom Max Vega passionately disagrees.
3. Provide a carpool service for Butch. At his age, he shouldn't be driving to AARP and GOP sponsored 'Suppress the Vote' rallies by himself, anyway.
4. Rick is the Keith Olbermann of this group. So we are probably best able to impact his Green Choices by consulting his significant other. Good luck with that water filter, Rick.
5. In my case, I will celebrate Green Week by only dating girls with green eyes this week. Please submit your inquiries with pictures attached (electronically, to save paper.)
Bob Costas, the only member of this group with self-respect, "has been going to more Jets and Celtics games."
Here's another green idea for NBC. Why doesn't the DNC Broadcast Network try limiting its Pre-Game Show, on-air talent, to under SIX people. Really, do Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann bring an audience? Are there people out there waxing nostalgic about SportsCenter circa 1997? We all know Charlie Steiner was the only SportsCenter host, from back in the day, with any talent.
One thing NBC did get right is Faith Hill's singing the pre-game intro.
*pause for admiration*
All the "Green is Universal" talk inspired me to think of ways that the Four Camels at Sea can reduce its carbon footprint. We are a team of mavericks, so surely we can help.
Here is what I came up with:
1. You can sponsor our blog financially. If we were being paid to blog about what is on TV from the comfort of our home, then we would not be driving to work. And if we were not driving to work, then we would be not using our country's precious natural resources.
2. Recycle the dark-alley dwelling drifters and pimps with whom Max Vega passionately disagrees.
3. Provide a carpool service for Butch. At his age, he shouldn't be driving to AARP and GOP sponsored 'Suppress the Vote' rallies by himself, anyway.
4. Rick is the Keith Olbermann of this group. So we are probably best able to impact his Green Choices by consulting his significant other. Good luck with that water filter, Rick.
5. In my case, I will celebrate Green Week by only dating girls with green eyes this week. Please submit your inquiries with pictures attached (electronically, to save paper.)
Friday, November 14, 2008
Fight the Real Enemy
First, I apologize to everyone (including the one outsider who commented on Dusty’s piece – we have a reader!) for being the last member of this intellectual Jonestown to post. I can only hope my contributions will be of similar quality as those of my fellow bloggers: an AntiChrist conspiracy theorist, an article-wielding contrarian, and a grumpy white guy who wants to restrict the limits of participatory democracy (and expand the right to beat his own slaves).
Along with my colleagues, I believe the United States is the greatest nation on earth. But unlike my colleagues, I view the U.S.A.’s greatness the same way I view the prominence of Notre Dame's college football program: a rich history, a proud tradition, undeniable success, and maybe an outdated philosophy on the importance of white people.
Speaking of white people, in the midst of all this millenialist-minded Christian ranting about President-elect Obama ushering in the end of the world (a prospect, you think, would make them happy - and a myth thankfully deconstructed by my colleague), I can't help but express my utter disappointment in the American people for failing to see the real mastermind behind America's foreign policy. He's been to your State Fair, he's played your 4th of July celebrations, he's performed at your church, he's sold you a timeshare in Branson, MO, and he's been behind every major American military campaign for the last 20 years. For years he's used Reagan's ideologies of American optimism and Divine mission to profit off of American patriotism and naivety. I've stared into the face of evil - and he stared back at me, wearing a Stars-and-Stripes leather jacket, singing "God Bless the U.S.A."
I suspect Lee Greenwood has masterminded every major American military campaign since the first Gulf War. No single person or organization stands to profit from American military action, patriotism, public rallies, and Wal-Mart royalties more than Lee Greenwood. Most of the New York Times columnists (you the man, Paul Krugman) might target someone like Toby Keith as the profiteer of American jingoism. But the truth is Toby sells records, makes straight-to-CMT movies (a new genre, I believe), and slings the best cheese dip in OKC regardless of the average American's fear of attack or giddy support for invading a nation. The same is true for the Bush family or Dick Cheney. We need to stop focusing on the rich and powerful, and start looking at those who can only attain riches and power if God-fearing people become foreigner-fearing people. As the comparison below clearly shows, if America isn't at war, Lee Greenwood simply doesn't eat:
Average annual income/revenue, 09/12/2001-2007:
Dick Chaney: $8.80 million
Halliburton: $3.5 Billion
Exxon: $40 Billion
Royal House of Saud: $38 Billion
Lee Greenwood $3 Million
Average annual income/revenue, 1998-2001:
Dick Chaney: $2.4 million
Halliburton: $1.7 billion
Exxon: $8.8 billion
Royal House of Saud: $29 billion
Lee Greenwood: $125.17
The good news for this country is that the President Elect is not a big fan of Mr. Greenwood. The bad news is that Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.I.am has already made a side career as an activist and (gulp) analyst on CNN in support of Barack Obama. We can only hope these two bastions of rhythm-based misinformation destroy each other and never, never join forces.
Along with my colleagues, I believe the United States is the greatest nation on earth. But unlike my colleagues, I view the U.S.A.’s greatness the same way I view the prominence of Notre Dame's college football program: a rich history, a proud tradition, undeniable success, and maybe an outdated philosophy on the importance of white people.
Speaking of white people, in the midst of all this millenialist-minded Christian ranting about President-elect Obama ushering in the end of the world (a prospect, you think, would make them happy - and a myth thankfully deconstructed by my colleague), I can't help but express my utter disappointment in the American people for failing to see the real mastermind behind America's foreign policy. He's been to your State Fair, he's played your 4th of July celebrations, he's performed at your church, he's sold you a timeshare in Branson, MO, and he's been behind every major American military campaign for the last 20 years. For years he's used Reagan's ideologies of American optimism and Divine mission to profit off of American patriotism and naivety. I've stared into the face of evil - and he stared back at me, wearing a Stars-and-Stripes leather jacket, singing "God Bless the U.S.A."
I suspect Lee Greenwood has masterminded every major American military campaign since the first Gulf War. No single person or organization stands to profit from American military action, patriotism, public rallies, and Wal-Mart royalties more than Lee Greenwood. Most of the New York Times columnists (you the man, Paul Krugman) might target someone like Toby Keith as the profiteer of American jingoism. But the truth is Toby sells records, makes straight-to-CMT movies (a new genre, I believe), and slings the best cheese dip in OKC regardless of the average American's fear of attack or giddy support for invading a nation. The same is true for the Bush family or Dick Cheney. We need to stop focusing on the rich and powerful, and start looking at those who can only attain riches and power if God-fearing people become foreigner-fearing people. As the comparison below clearly shows, if America isn't at war, Lee Greenwood simply doesn't eat:
Average annual income/revenue, 09/12/2001-2007:
Dick Chaney: $8.80 million
Halliburton: $3.5 Billion
Exxon: $40 Billion
Royal House of Saud: $38 Billion
Lee Greenwood $3 Million
Average annual income/revenue, 1998-2001:
Dick Chaney: $2.4 million
Halliburton: $1.7 billion
Exxon: $8.8 billion
Royal House of Saud: $29 billion
Lee Greenwood: $125.17
The good news for this country is that the President Elect is not a big fan of Mr. Greenwood. The bad news is that Black Eyed Peas frontman Will.I.am has already made a side career as an activist and (gulp) analyst on CNN in support of Barack Obama. We can only hope these two bastions of rhythm-based misinformation destroy each other and never, never join forces.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Introduction to Max Vega
An introduction seems most appropriate.
I have a compulsive tendency to passionately disagree. I’m not necessarily a skeptic, but I prefer to err on the side that you’re wrong. The benefit to me is that I know I’m this way, so I don’t take disagreements personally; but I want you to think differently when I bare my crooked teeth and snarl in your face.
I don’t play Devil’s Advocate: I’m against role-playing, categories, and advocacy. Don’t consider that an exhaustive list.
It is my goal to provide you, the reader, with the thought less explored, the idea better left unmentioned. I intend to create paradigm waves.
It has been my pleasure to introduce you to the Max Vega. Enjoy.
I have a compulsive tendency to passionately disagree. I’m not necessarily a skeptic, but I prefer to err on the side that you’re wrong. The benefit to me is that I know I’m this way, so I don’t take disagreements personally; but I want you to think differently when I bare my crooked teeth and snarl in your face.
I don’t play Devil’s Advocate: I’m against role-playing, categories, and advocacy. Don’t consider that an exhaustive list.
It is my goal to provide you, the reader, with the thought less explored, the idea better left unmentioned. I intend to create paradigm waves.
It has been my pleasure to introduce you to the Max Vega. Enjoy.
Friday, November 7, 2008
In Search of the AntiChrist
Let's be Clear. It's not Barack.
As a self-appointed AntiChrist hunter, I spend countless hours on Google and YouTube trying desperately to pick up his or her trail. If you are young, charismatic, and successful: I'm watching you.There are a variety of criterion and mathematical formulas for deciphering the identity of the Son of Perdition. Scrawled on my wall. Some of which I may scrawl here another time.
But one thing I can assure everyone. The new American President-Elect, Barack Obama, is not the Dragon of Revelation, despite how much some people might want to believe otherwise.
How do I know? Joe Biden.
Barack Obama choosing Joe Biden as a running mate was on par with Lex Luthor picking Otis as his partner in crime. The guy is a total buffoon. My limited understanding of the Left Behind series is that Nicolae Carpathia picks a pretty sinister side-kick, and not a guy who is known for hair plugs and plagiarism. Another mark against Obama - I don't think Satan would have been ok with the Dark Lord's "landslide" victory falling well behind that of Ronaldus Magnus.
Incidentally, this is the inaugural posting of Four Camels at Sea, a group of four men from various walks of life, offering our insight, wisdom, and paranoia on all things political, theological, and sportical. And I will always be here in staunch opposition to the AntiChrist.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)